Friday, January 16, 2009

Angry at God

One time when I was just twelve years old I got so angry at God. Things wern't rosy at home and it didn't look to me like my life was any bed of roses. I pondered over the disapointments and cussed out life. I was delivering papers in a town called Tuxedo which was a mile down the road. The people their had fine homes and all the necessities of life. I shoveled their driveways in the winter, did odd chores and generally tried to make a buck . They were mostly kind people and delivering papers to their homes had its moments. Once in awhile while I heard conversations when their kids would talk about their summer vacations. I was offended that they had so much and I had so little. I tried not to be unhappy and generally wasn't but this one day I looked around and felt lost, envious, betrayed and a sadness settled over me. I was having a pity party and I shouted at the heavens. I said; how come these rich folks have so much. Nice homes, talents, good looks, nice personalities , great families and besides that , it is really hard not to like them.What kind of a God are you. You play favorites. And just to put the icing on the cake they have a brand new school and we are in a one room school house with five grades. When we move to the sixth grade we have to take a bus all the way downtown about ten miles I think. That is the last straw God. Are we left overs or what? You were so silent but I said my piece and didn't wrap it in any flowers either. The conversaton was one sided because I did all the talking. I didn't like the feeling that came over me; it was a restless type of bother that wouldn't go away.
You know God , I had asked my mother about you and she sure doesn't like you much. She says your a God with pat answers. She says the only thing she ever got out of going to church was a holier than thou attitude. She said those sanctimonious pillars of the church spend six days breaking the law and go on the seventh so they can feel good and take advantage of somebody. I had to look up a couple of those words to get the drift. Boy, my mom has it in for you and she used some bad language too. I didn't have to look those words up --phew!There is something about you God that makes me want to hang around a church a little bit. This is the first place we have lived where there is no church on the corner. Usually I would go sometimes in those days.. Now I only know one guy and he told me I would have to go to church to get the goods on you. A preacher came around to our neighborhood and talked to us about religous things but I paid him no mind until he said they were going to have a free week summer camp this year and there was room for a few more kids. He said if we attended a bible study for awhile we could get to go with our parents permission. To a kid from my side of the tracks that was music to my ears. I played the game, even learned a line from the Bible to make an impression. It must have worked because I was one of the kids who got to go. The preacher told us God loved us and told us about your son and all that. I didn't care about all that as long as I got to go to camp.
The preacher didn't come back after camp but you sent a Major McKinnel from the Salvation Army to see me.At least she had said you sent her. I got to admit God that she sure was one fine lady. She had that Bonnet they wear on and it was tied tight because she drove up in that open air jeep and honked the horn like she knew me all her life.She smiled a lot and had a look in her eye that was quite piercing. I didn't know whether to run or stick around. When she spoke to me she spoke proper like. "How do you do young man" I just nodded but she kept up the conversation by saying Your Digby right. I was taken back; nodded yes and looked at her rather strangely. You know my name I said. Yes, it was told to me. Who was it told you? Your mother. What ! my mother doesn't like church folks. She likes me just find said the Major. She was neat God and I didn't seem to mind having her around and got to like her. She talked about you a lot like you was some old friend. I said to her "why are you here? She replied I am one of God's helpers and he has sent me to see you. She then laughed at my amazement and I wondered if she knew about my angry outburst the other day. I said if God sent you, how come he waited so long. She replied. God does things in His own way and perhaps it was time for you to get to know Him. I rolled my eyes and said well maybe. He might be mad at me cause I told him off. She laughed heartedly and said. I think it will be alright. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We fell easily into conversation after that. One day I said to her. God knows I'm different right? Do you know why your diffrent she asked. No I said. Well Digby because God made you different.Well maybe he did but I didn't want to be that diffrent. Your different because your special Digby and in time you will begin to appreciate being different but in the mean time lets just learn about God and be friends. Things happened after that. Some good some not so good but the major had added something to my life. We were a mixed bag of kids in our neighborhood looking for a way out. Major McKinnel had thrown me a life line and I had grabbed hold of it. Sometimes when the wind is blowing just right I can hear here call. Digby, Digbeeeeee. where are you my boy? A tear comes to my eye and I now think. Oh Major McKinnel I'm right here and I miss you so.


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